This post: 10 (Totally Subjective) Tips for Raising Well-Adjusted Teenagers ( Updated 5/23)
Raising teenagers is hard.
What makes it particularly challenging is the fact that the environment in which our kids are growing up is absolutely nothing like the environment in which we grew up.
With such a huge disparity between the generations, we really don’t have a lot of experience to draw from or history to base our decisions.
Think about it, everything from the powerful impact of social media and intense academic pressure (I call this generation the 4.0 generation) to the prevalence of drugs and peer pressure to grow up far too quickly are all powerful influencers that, for the most part, we never have had to deal with when we were growing up.
Pile these stressors on with the highs and lows of hormones (and I’m not just talking about our kids), and it’s enough to leave any parent and our kids feeling frazzled and drained.
There isn’t a “right” or “wrong” way when it comes to raising our kids. What works for one parent and child may not work for another. Still, there are a few things we can all do as parents to foster a great relationship with our kids and help them become well-adjusted, responsible, confident young adults.
10 totally Subjective Tips for Raising Well-Adjusted Teenagers
1. Loosen the Reins a Bit
As much as we’d like to mold our kids into perfect little replicas of ourselves, which would certainly make our lives much easier, we’re not doing our kids much of a favor or preparing them to face the world on their own by stifling who they are.
Rather than controlling or playing an active role in every decision your kids make, relinquish some control and embrace who they are. Give them the chance to express themselves to find out who they are and allow them to make important decisions that impact their lives. Not only will they appreciate the freedom you’ve given them, but it will also boost their confidence and prepare them to make even more important decisions down the road.
2. Invest in Your Child’s Life
With most teens feeling the need to pull away from their parents and parents, subsequently, feeling the need to tighten their grip, it’s easy to see why so many parent-teen relationships become strained.
When you take the time to become invested in your child’s life, it transforms perceived control into genuine interest and concern which opens the door to more relaxed conversation about their daily life.
Once you become attuned to their life, thoughts, and feelings, they may begin turning to you for advice or insight.
3. Back Off When Your Teen Needs You To
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about raising teens it’s that teenagers need their space. Lots of it!
Look for cues when your child walks in the door. If it’s clear they just don’t feel like talking or they need some time to themselves, back off. Give them the freedom to escape to their bedroom (or any other retreat) until they reach the point when they’re ready to talk (which is typically at 10 o’clock at night when you’re exhausted).
When our kids need their space, the more we push ourselves on them, ask questions or offer opinions or unsolicited advice, the more they’re likely to pull away.
4. Spend as Much Time with Your Kids as Possible
Life is hectic and finding quality time with your kids may not always be easy.
As opposed to feeling as though you have to carve out a ton of time to connect with your child (and feeling guilty when you can’t), focus on precious minutes.
Teenagers are notorious for always being on the go, so hanging out with you or the family for an entire day probably isn’t on the top of their priority list anyway. Focus on quality over quantity. Sit and have a cup of coffee or a Coke with them, grab a quick lunch, take a trip to the mall, or make dinner together. The more relaxed, quality time you spend with your child, the more they’ll come to appreciate it and look forward to it. (Hint: Teenagers want to feel in control of their lives. Let your child choose when they want to hang out – try not to dictate.)
5. Stop Overreacting
This is one piece of advice that’s most definitely easier said than done, but our kids need to know that they can come to us with their deepest secrets knowing that we won’t completely freak out (even though we want to).
The goal is to get them talking and sharing… which means, as parents, we need to temporarily shift our focus from teaching and talking to learning and listening. When we overreact, the door to conversation closes, and, believe me, they’ll think twice about telling you anything in the future. (I’ve seen it happen dozens of times.)
6. Say “Yes” More than You Say “No”
If you’re like most parents, the word “no” seems to flow from your lips like a river every time your child asks if they can do anything that worries or concerns you. Rather than working toward a solution to say yes, it’s often far easier to just say no.
However, our kids want and need us to say yes more often. That doesn’t mean we should say yes to things that are dangerous; what it does mean is that we need to find ways to say yes, when possible, even if it’s inconvenient.
If your daughter wants to go to a late-night concert downtown with her friends, for example, as opposed to saying no, find a way to make it happen. Maybe you or your husband can sit a few rows back, or you can send them with an older sibling or friend. By the time kids reach their teen years, our kids want to feel more in control of their own lives, which means it’s time to loosen our grip and give them a little room to spread their wings.
7. Make Sure Your Child Knows that You’re Their Safe Zone
When kids are in school or with their friends sometimes it’s hard for them to be themselves due to “friend politics.” Give them a chance to speak openly with you about what they’re feeling when it comes to everything from their friends to school to life. The more we show our kids that we always stand ready with a listening ear, that we value their feelings and opinions, and that those feelings and opinions are safe with us, the more we open the door to future open, candid conversation.
8. Be Real with Your Kids
No one says you have to be the Rock of Gibraltar with your kids.
Dial it down a notch and let your kids know you’re human too. It’s okay to cry in front of your kids or let them know you’re down about something that didn’t go according to plan.
Another thing… stop being so darn serious!
Be silly and get a little crazy with your kids. The more our kids see us as who we really are (even if we embarrass them from time to time), and we share what we’re feeling or what we’re going through, the more they’ll be able to relate to us and, in turn, learn from how we handle the normal ebb and flow of life. Once you do, don’t be surprised if your kids become your greatest supporters when you need a shoulder to lean on.
9. Be a Solid Role Model
This goes without saying yet, we’ve all witnessed plenty of occasions when parents haven’t proven to be the best role models. Our kids are watching what we do every single day – our actions, our language, our daily routines, our determination – and they’re learning. Of course, there’s no such thing as a perfect parent, we should (at the very least) strive to model the behavior we want our kids to adopt.
It also means we should set boundaries with our kids in terms of how they treat us. When my kids get a little “off the beaten track” and start treating me too much like a buddy or with disrespect, I sometimes have to reel them in with a reminder that respect is never an option.
10. Love Them for Exactly Who They Are
Even if we secretly don’t admit it, we all dream of having great kids. You know, kids who excel academically, who are awesome at sports, who are leaders, funny, determined, and go-getters.
But, every parent who has a teenager knows by now, our kids are not a reflection of us. They are a reflection of themselves. And, the sooner we give our kids the freedom and power to become who they’re meant to be, the more equipped and stable they’ll be as adults.
Don’t mold your kids. Guide them, help them, equip them, but don’t direct them. Long before you held your baby in your arms, they were already their own person.
Raising teens today is hard. But, being a teenager is hard, too, which is exactly why our kids need a stable home environment and supportive, compassionate, loving parents they can come to regardless of what life throws at them.