This post is inspired by the many candid conversations I’ve had with teenagers through the years. It also serves as a reminder to me, as a parent, to allow my kids to feel the gentle breeze of freedom beneath their wings. I owe it to myself to see what they can become. More importantly, I owe it to them.
School just started and you can hear the battle cries of kids already.
“It’s only the first month of school and I’m already completely overwhelmed and stressed out!”
And, who can blame them… the pressure of school, AP and honors classes, after-school clubs and activities, homework, sports, late-night and weekend practices, private tutors, private lessons, volunteering, an after-school job, an internship, and so on and so on.
In today’s modern culture where we normalize and even glamorize over achievement across all spectrums of our lives, giving our kids the freedom to choose their own path and back up a bit from the relentless pressure they face seems just too passive. For many parents, the question isn’t whether or not to push their kids, it’s how hard they should push their kids.
But, is it possible that our well-intentioned desire to guide, motivate and “push” our kids hides under a cloak of ambition to bask in the glory of our pride?
Even if most parents won’t admit it, we’re all striving for the ultimate parental prize. Pride.
Somewhere in our list of parental rights lies a small perk at the bottom of the page that says, “bragging rights allowed – you’ve earned it.” And, to some degree, maybe we have. After all, that pride along with those hard-earned bragging rights is backed by years of love, labor, guidance, and support.
Shouldn’t we be able to share the latest news about how our child was voted MVP on their football team or how our daughter scored a high score on her ACT? What’s wrong with sharing that your daughter will be traveling abroad next summer to seven different countries or that your son just scored a scholarship?
As long as you choose your bragging platform carefully… nothing. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it.
As parents, we should feel immense pride when our child succeeds, accomplishes something profound or reaches a milestone. We’ve earned the right.
But, in our haze of pride, in our desire to bask in the glory of our children’s accomplishments, we need to remind ourselves what we haven’t earned the right to do.
We haven’t earned the right to brag at the expense of our children’s happiness or mental health.
We haven’t earned the right to push our kids to the breaking point, to pile on more and more in total oblivion that they can “handle it” simply because they’re young.
We haven’t earned the right to use our children’s accomplishments as a benchmark of our acceptance or love.
We haven’t earned the right to make our kids feel less successful or inadequate because they didn’t score well on their math test, make the winning field goal, because they’re a late bloomer or they’re not in the “in” crowd.
We haven’t earned the right to dictate the path of our kid’s future without any regard for their interests, passions, goals or desires.
We haven’t earned the right focus on our kid’s shortcomings and allow those shortcomings to dominate how we perceive them.
We haven’t earned the right to pass along the notion to our kids that being the best and having the most are prerequisites of happiness.
We haven’t earned the right to base our acceptance on their ability to become a reflection of us.
We haven’t earned the right to raise our kids to fear failure or to teach them to avert failure at all cost.
We haven’t earned the right to teach our children that they’ll be left behind or lost in the shuffle if they’re not competitive, a fighter or determined to win regardless of the cost.
We haven’t earned the right to instill the belief that achieving results is far more valuable and important than the process of learning to become wiser.
Above all, we haven’t earned the right to ignore our kid’s quiet cries for help.
Parenting – it’s the most competitive adult sport in today’s world.
And, yes, we all have the right to be proud, to speak proudly of our children and to nurture and guide them to become the absolute best they can be.
But, are your child’s accomplishments a true reflection of them or are you navigating their path on their behalf?
The next time you say to your child “I’m so proud of you,” ask yourself if you’re truly proud of them or the fact that they did exactly what you wanted them to do. In essence, are you a glory seeker?
As parents, we may not think we’re glory seekers – honestly, the phrase does sound rather harsh, doesn’t it? But, maybe it’s time we take the focus off our children and take a closer look at ourselves and what we may be doing to our kids.
We need to accept our kids for who they are and stop striving to mold them into someone they’re not just so we can be proud.
Our kids deserve a shot at life. Right or wrong, like it or not, we owe it to our kids to step back and let them follow their heart, take risks, learn from their mistakes and find the path they’re meant to follow.
As for us… it’s time to take a deep breath, relax, step back, trust them, have faith in their abilities and what we’ve taught them and set them free. It’s never easy letting go, but it’s time… time to let them feel the gentle breeze of freedom beneath their wings.