This Post: Studies Show Your Teen’s Friends Teach Them What’s Cool, But You’re Teaching Them What’s Right
Written By: Nancy Reynolds
I was in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner when I overheard my daughter FaceTiming one of her girlfriends in the living room…
“I really like this dress, but I think this one is cuter.”
“What do you think?”
“Which one would you wear?”
She was going on a date with a guy she really liked on Saturday night, and I knew she was agonizing about what to wear. She’d pulled a handful of dresses from her closet, and she was asking one of her best friends which one she should wear.
As I strolled into the living room, eager to get in on the conversation and offer my opinion, I got the death stare. You know the one I’m talking about, right, parents? The look that says, “If you speak one word, I’m going to scream… You can leave NOW.”
Studies Show Your Teen’s Friends Teach Them What’s Cool, But You’re Teaching Them What’s Right
I’m not gonna lie, I was hurt. My daughter and I have always been close. Since she was little, she’s always come to me for advice. But in the last couple of years, I’ve noticed that my opinion, at least on a lot of things, just doesn’t hold the credence it once did. Walking back to the kitchen, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was somehow losing all influence in my daughter’s life.
But I realized something later that evening.
Around 10:30 p.m., when I was just about ready to crawl into bed, my daughter came bouncing into my bedroom full of energy, plopped on my bed, and started talking about college.
“Mom, which ones do you think I should apply to?”
“Do you think I’d like living far away from home, or do you think I’d be better off going to a closer college?”
“Did you enjoy college? What were your biggest challenges?”
That’s when I realized…
It might seem like we’ve been replaced by our kids’ friends, but we haven’t. They’re just sorting through who to ask about what.
Interestingly, there’s research to support this claim.
A study published in the National Library of Medicine looked into how parental and friend influences play out in teenagers’ decision-making. The researchers found that while our kids’ friends carry the most weight in everyday choices, including things like clothes, hobbies, trends, and social behavior, parents still hold the greatest influence over bigger, future-oriented decisions, like college, careers, and life goals. In other words, when your teen asks their friends what haircut looks good, but comes to you to talk about what they want to do with their life, it’s not mixed signals. It’s a normal part of growing up.
“Their friends influence their weekend plans. You influence their future. Both matter. But only one lasts.”
Why Your Teen’s Friends are So Important (and Why It’s Actually Healthy)
During your child’s teen years, their friends become their lifeline. For them, their friends provide a mirror for who they’re becoming and who they want to be.
That’s why they’ll turn to their friends for opinions on which athletic shoes they should buy, whether they should cut their hair or leave it long, whether they should jump on a current TikTok trend, or even what to say to someone they’re crushing on.
These small decisions are all about feeling accepted and gaining a sense of belonging. Basically, choosing the “right” shoes, the “right” haircut, or deciding the “right” dress to wear isn’t just about image; it’s about belonging, which has proven to be one of teens’ strongest psychological needs.
Maybe I’m not alone on this, but as a Mom, there have been countless times I’ve said to my kids, “Why on earth are you letting your friends decide everything for you? Why can’t you just be yourself?” But I’ve learned that these small acts of conformity are not only normal, they’re practice. Our kids are figuring out how to get along (and fit in) in society, how to balance their own individuality, and read social cues.
It might not look like it now, but it’s all part of figuring out who they are, and that in itself is a process.
Why You Matter Far More Than You Think, Parents
That same study found that when it comes to the big stuff – teens’ values, purpose, long-term goals, etc. – parents still carry the loudest voice in their teens’ internal dialogue.
Even if your teen doesn’t ask for your opinion, they’re watching you, learning, and absorbing it through how you live your life.
The fact is, parents, they’re noticing how you handle money, how you treat people (even perfect strangers), how you manage stress, anger, and frustration, and how you talk about your work and responsibilities. They’re noticing and they’re learning. All those quiet behaviors and day-to-day examples you’re exhibiting are lessons that are shaping how your teen will make decisions later on. (If that doesn’t make you think twice… nothing will!)
So, while your teen’s friends might shape their style, YOU are shaping their substance.
The Tug-of-War Between Independence and Guidance
One of the trickiest parts about parenting teenagers is knowing when to step in and when to step back. One minute, they want your advice; the next, they don’t. They crave independence, but they still need guardrails.
And I think nearly every parent would agree that stepping back when you know your child is about to make a mistake is agonizingly difficult.
But we can’t choreograph their every move in life. We have to give them the freedom to stumble, make mistakes, and sometimes, fall flat on their face… It’s how they learn. The good news? Our influence doesn’t depend on control; it depends on connection.
The more connected we are to our kids, the greater influence we’ll have in their lives. When we really listen and keep those lines of communication wide open so they know they can come to us about anything, they’re far more likely to come back when it really matters.
What This Looks Like in Real Life
Here’s what research AND real life tell us about staying connected and influential in your teen’s world:
1. Stay Involved, Not Invasive
Ask about your teen’s world with genuine curiosity, not interrogation. “Did you have fun with your friends tonight?” works better than “Were kids vaping? Were they drinking? Did you vape or drink?” (NOTE: Yes, you should ask important questions, but firing off a barrage of questions won’t encourage your teen to open up to you.)
2. Respect Their Social World
Our teens may not always choose friends we approve of, but we have to be careful. When we belittle, dismiss, or talk poorly about their friends, we risk shutting down the conversation and the trust. We can guide, but when we aim to control, it can backfire.
3. Be the Steady They Need
Your steadiness (especially when they’re anxious or indecisive, or overwhelmed) shows your teen how to handle uncertainty. They’re borrowing your emotional cues more than you realize.
4. Avoid the Long-Winded Lectures
Share your own mistakes, turning points, and lessons learned. Your teen is more likely to listen when they feel you’re human, not perfect.
5. Remember, Modeling Beats Messaging
How you live, including your work ethic, empathy, and honesty, will always speak louder than anything you say.
6. Strive to Be Respected
Your teenager may not follow in your footsteps or even take every piece of advice you offer, but if they respect you as a person and as a parent, they’ll lean on you for guidance when the chips are down.
It’s okay if your teen wants their friends’ opinions on small things. It doesn’t mean they’re shutting you out. It means they’re learning how to think for themselves. You’ve basically moved from being the director of their life to the trusted consultant. You’re still on their team, you’re just not in the spotlight anymore.
And, that’s okay.
One day, maybe not today or maybe not even next year, they’ll look back and realize how your steady guidance shaped their choices, even the ones they thought they made alone.
“You’re not losing them. You’re launching them. And they’ll take your voice with them wherever they go.”
If you enjoyed reading, “Studies Show Your Teen’s Friends Teach Them What’s Cool But You’re Teaching Them What’s Right,” here are a few other posts you might like:
Studies Show Being Close to Your Mom Makes Life Better (in Nearly Every Way)
Why Your Teen Needs You to Tuck Them In – Even If It’s Just a Goodnight Text