My Teen Doesn’t Fit In and It’s Breaking My Heart
Written By: The Raising Teens Today Community
I sat there watching my daughter scroll through her phone last Friday night, pretending not to care that she wasn’t invited to a party. And my heart broke – because I cared. I cared so much. But no matter how badly I wanted to fix the situation, I couldn’t…
I couldn’t make other kids include her, I couldn’t choose her friends for her, I couldn’t make others see how kind and funny she was, or how good of a friend she was, and I couldn’t control how others perceived her.
My Teen Doesn’t Fit In and It’s Breaking My Heart
Your heart aches when your child feels they don’t belong, doesn’t it, parents? When they tell you that they sat alone on the bus, or they ate lunch alone, or were left off the invite list… again.
The reality is, we love our kids fiercely and we see how incredibly special they are, which can make it so heartbreaking to understand why they get left out and come home tearfully admitting to us that no one seems to like them.
It’s one of the hardest parts of parenting teens – realizing that we can’t control who includes them, how they’re treated, or whether they feel like they fit in. We can’t shield them from rejection or loneliness. All we can do is be their soft place to land, over and over again.
Parents… It’s important to note that this post isn’t about fixing our kids or encouraging them to blend in – it’s about honoring who they are, even when the world doesn’t quite know what to do with their beautiful, different rhythm.
Why Your Teen Might Feel Like They Don’t Fit In
When our teens don’t quite click with other kids, it can feel incredibly isolating. There are so many reasons they might feel this way. Here are a few reasons:
1. They Have Different Interests
Your teen might be into art, robotics, or cooking, or they might be the brainy type who’s focused on studying and getting good grades, while their classmates might be all about sports, TikTok trends, gaming, or even partying on Friday nights.
It’s also not uncommon for teen friendships to shift – especially in middle school. Maybe they stopped playing a sport they played for years, or they joined a club they love, and it’s taking up all their free time. These choices can take them away from kids they’ve been close to for years. It’s a natural evolution, but it can sometimes result in your teen feeling left out, especially if their new interests are different from the norm.
TIP: Praise your teen for pursuing their own interests, even if it’s not considered popular or the “in” thing to do. That takes courage!
2. They Don’t Relate To (or Want to Cave Into) Social Norms at School
Does your teen despise drama? Do they cringe at the mere thought of mean girls or the attention-seeking kids who will go to great lengths just to be popular? If your teen happens to be someone who challenges the social dynamics in school or feels like they don’t want to have any part in the wider drama that’s so common in middle and high school, and prefers more stable friendships, it’s easy to feel marginalized.
TIP: It’s easy to think, “Why doesn’t my teen fit in? Is something wrong with them?” when the truth is, they might be the one standing steadfast in who they are and what they believe.
3. They’re Confident in Who They Are
As a parent, you might think your teen lacks the confidence to put themselves out there, make friends and “fit in with the crowd,” but it could be the exact opposite – maybe they’re actually very confident in who they are and they’re not willing to put on an act to fit in.
TIP: Kudos to kids who aren’t afraid to be their own wonderful selves.
4. Or, They Lack Confidence
Teenagers are hyper-aware of how they’re perceived. If they feel they don’t match the ideal body type, that they don’t dress like everyone else, or that they’re not as pretty, handsome, smart, or athletic as other kids, it can impact their self-worth and sense of belonging.
They might also lack confidence if they have a learning disability that makes grasping class material more challenging for them. Every teen matures at their own pace emotionally, physically, and intellectually, and that gap can create distance.
And, social media doesn’t help. When our teens are constantly bombarded with edited images and friends’ highlight reels, they compare might compare themselves to their classmates, which can intensify their feelings of being an outsider.
TIP: Nearly every teenager lacks confidence in one area or another. Talk to your teen, get into their head, and find out where they might lack confidence, and then work together to boost their confidence and self-esteem.
5. They’re Introverted or Shy
Not every teen is a social butterfly. Loud cafeterias, crowded hallways, busy classrooms, and social events like school football games might make some kids feel awkward and drained, and that can lead to them feeling like they don’t belong. But the truth is, they may not be anti-social at all; they may just be shy or introverted and more comfortable in small group settings.
TIP: Don’t try to change who your teen is by pushing them to “put themselves out there.” Instead, encourage them to make one or two friends they can hang out with – science has shown that kids only need one or two close friends to feel included and accepted.
6. They’re Going Through Emotional/Mental Health Struggles or Questioning Their Identity
Anxiety, depression, ADHD, or other mental health challenges can make even simple social interactions feel overwhelming. If your teen is struggling inside, it might be hard for them to connect or keep up with the demands of socializing. (According to the CDC, 40% of high schoolers report persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness in the past year.)
Also, if your teen is exploring their sexuality, gender identity, or just trying to figure out who they are in a world full of labels and expectations, it can feel scary and isolating.
TIP: Be that safe space for your teen. Make sure they know they can come to you about anything and always put their mental health as a top priority.
7. They Haven’t Found “Their People” Yet
Sometimes it just takes time. Your teen might not have met the kids who share their values, humor, or quirks yet. That gap can feel incredibly lonely, but it doesn’t mean those friendships won’t eventually come. Fitting in isn’t about being popular – it’s about being accepted, understood, and seen.
TIP: Here are a few practical tips to help your teen make friends.
How to Help Your Teen When They Feel Like They Don’t Fit In
This can be a tough stage for teenagers where fitting in feels like everything, and not fitting in can feel like something’s wrong with them, even when there’s not. Here’s how you can help:
Listen (and Try to Resist Fixing)
ChatGPT said
Be your teen’s safe place to land. Let them know home is their non-judgmental place to just “be.” After all, it can be hard for them to admit, especially to you, that they’re feeling left out or that other kids don’t really “get them.” And if they’ve experienced any kind of bullying, they might be scared to admit it out of fear that you’ll make matters worse. Instead, start out listening – sometimes, they just want to vent, which can help them feel heard and understood.
Normalize Their Feelings
Let them know it’s incredibly common to feel like an outsider during this time in their life – they’re definitely not alone, even if it feels that way.
Praise Their Character Over Popularity
There’s a difference between being popular and being “well-liked.” Encourage them to strive to be well-liked and remind them of the qualities they possess that make them likable, including their kindness, creativity, humor, or integrity, for instance – all things that matter far more than fitting in with the “in crowd.”
Remind them, too, that being different isn’t something they need to fix. Chances are, the very things that make them feel like they don’t fit in now may become their greatest strengths later.
Help Them Find Their People
Clubs, sports, hobbies, volunteering, online communities, and other shared interests – there are tons of ways teens can connect with and find like-minded kids just like them. They just have to be willing to take that first step.
Maybe there’s nothing at school that they want to try, so help them search for local clubs, classes at community colleges, or community groups that offer events that align with their interests and passions.
Encourage a Digital Detox
Social media can trigger comparison, which can make teens feel even more alone. Help them take breaks and stay grounded in real-life relationships.
Encourage a Heaping Dose of Self-Compassion
Remind your teen that everyone, including adults, has times when they feel left out or that they don’t fit in. It’s a normal part of being human. Remind them, too, that their teen years are usually the worst when it comes to these types of feelings. They will eventually find “their people”- they just have to stay true to themselves.
If They’re Shy or Lack Social Skills… Give Them a Few Pointers
If your teen lacks social skills (they’re not alone, by the way!), help them out by giving them a few pointers – how to start a conversation with someone they don’t know, making sure they make eye contact, offering compliments, and asking open-ended questions to get the conversation rolling. A lot of teens need some guidance with face-to-face interactions since they spend so much of their time online. Try role-playing with your teen – it works!
If You’re Worried About Your Teen, Seek Help
Sometimes, our teens’ isolation or loneliness can persist and lead to significant distress. If you suspect your teen is struggling, reach out to your family doctor and/or a mental health professional for advice and guidance. Don’t let them suffer in silence. Therapists who work with teens can provide strategies to help your teen cope with social challenges and feelings of sadness or isolation.
No matter how lost or left out your teen may feel, your steady love and support can be the anchor they need. You may not be able to change the world around them, but you can remind them every day that they belong.
If you enjoyed reading “My Teen Doesn’t Fit In and It’s Breaking My Heart,” here are a few other posts you might like!
Is Your Teen Lonely? 6 Possible Reasons Your Teen Doesn’t Have Friends
Dear Teens: I Know it’s Hard, But Not All Friendships are Meant to Last