This Post: Is Your Teen in Their Room Too Much? 8 Reasons Why They Crave Their Privacy
Written By: Marybeth Bock
Knock, knock, knock… “Hey buddy, are you still in there? Are you awake? Are you okay? Helloooo?”
Does this sound familiar?
Is Your Teen in Their Room Too Much? 8 Reasons They Crave Their Privacy
Can you relate to repeated attempts to connect face-to-face with your teenager? Do you sometimes feel like they act more like a bear hibernating for the winter than they do a teenager?
This hide-out behavior honestly might be one of the most frustrating (and confusing!) parts about raising a teenager – getting them to emerge from their bedroom long enough to join the living – even if it IS just for a few minutes a day.
If you’ve ever found yourself pleading, nagging, joking, whining, texting them through a closed door, or even yelling at them to come out and be part of the family, you’re definitely not alone.
So, what’s the deal?
Why do teenagers (most, anyway) spend so much time holed up in their bedrooms, only to come out long enough to scarf down a big bowl of mac n’ cheese, ask you to drive them somewhere, rush out the door to school, or hang out with friends?
If you find yourself getting annoyed, frustrated, confused, or even angry over your kid’s behavior, please read on. The fact is, there are a number of reasons why your teen is putting a high priority on their privacy and alone time. (Ahem, and none of them has to do with the fact that they don’t like or you that they don’t want to be around you anymore.)
8 Reasons Why Your Teen Spends SO Much Time in Their Bedroom
1. A Burning Desire for Independence
For over a decade, your teen has relied on you for everything. From cooking for them and driving them everywhere to telling them what to do and what to wear – you called the shots. Well, in their eyes, it’s their turn.
Hunkering down in their own little corner of the world gives them a sense of control and autonomy over their environment and life – which can often feel a bit out of control (especially with their swinging hormones).
Dr. Peter Marshall, child psychologist and author of “Now I Know Why Tigers Eat Their Young,” says teenagers have a lot of growing up to do and they need space to do it. “Although it’s tempting to think they’re just goofing off when they’re alone, they’re actually spending a large part of their time thinking about things, trying to figure out who they are and who they want to become.”
2. The Need for Privacy and Personal Space
Your teen craves that closed-door time alone because it’s their turf – whether they’re scrolling through TikTok videos, playing video games, listening to music, texting friends or just hanging out journaling – it’s their time, it’s their space, it’s their freedom to just BE.
Hence, the reason your teen isn’t quite so eager to clean their messy bedroom. I know, I know… “your house, your rules.” But in your teen’s mind, it’s “their room, their rules.” (Look for a middle ground, parents – instead of demanding your teen keep a squeaky clean bedroom, try striking an agreement where they have to deep clean it every 2-3 weeks.)
NOTE: Of course, parents, we need to help our kids find a healthy balance when it comes to their privacy and alone time.
3. They Want to Socialize
When we were kids, we didn’t have a choice but to leave the house if we wanted to hang out with friends. We’d hit the mall, the local arcade, or a pizza place and feel so independent (and cool) just being on our own.
Kids today don’t need to leave the house to socialize. They can connect and hang with friends in the comfort of their own bedroom. Texting, playing video games with friends, group chats, and FaceTime make it all too easy for them to chill out while cozying up in their bed with their favorite blanket.
4. Escape From the Stress of School and Life
The life of a teenager is stressful. I know… some parents may think, “My kid doesn’t have to worry about bills, making big decisions, or earning enough money to feed the family, what could he possibly be stressed out about?” Oh… but they are.
The pressure to be a good student and make good grades. The pressure to craft the perfect college resume. The pressure to fit in. The pressure to be liked, accepted, and included. The pressure to be a good athlete and/or be involved in some kind of extracurricular activity. The pressure to start adulting long before they’re ready. And, let’s not even talk about how teenage drama can suck the life out of our kids.
When life gets hard, confusing, overwhelming, or stressful, their bedroom becomes their sanctuary to escape. After all, when we’re feeling overwhelmed don’t we crave the need to escape for a while? Well, our teens are no different.
5. They Want to Catch a Few Zzzzs (Even Mid-Day)
Many, if not most, teens are perpetually sleep-deprived. All too often, they stay up late to catch up on homework after practice, games, or club activities and then they’re up at the crack of dawn to do it all over again.
According to the Child Mind Institute, teens need nine hours of sleep a night for their developing brains. But studies show that close to 70% of teens don’t get that amount. What that means is that your sleepy teen is going to try to catch a few much-needed Zzzzs any time they can… even mid-day.
6. Family Dynamics
When you have a teen living under your roof, tension can sometimes become high. They’re clammering for more independence by pushing boundaries and we’re holding tight to our control (mostly to protect them). The result is, that sometimes, our teens may need time away from us… and that’s okay!
Try not to take ANY of it personally. Remember those years when you felt like you were constantly being nagged about something, were misunderstood, or that your parents just didn’t “get” what it was like being a teenager?
7. It’s Their Way of Coping
Some teens withdraw to their rooms as a way of coping. Whether they’re dealing with friend drama, a boyfriend/girlfriend breakup, or a crummy day on the field, they can feel a sense of calm just being in their own space. They might find solace in writing, listening to music, taking a nap, texting a close friend, or distracting themselves by gaming and laughing with friends.
Plus, just being surrounded by all the treasured belongings they’ve collected over the years can make them feel comfortable, safe, and happy. Their cozy bed topped with fleece blankets and favorite pillows, their favorite pictures, posters, stuffed animals, trophies, or artwork – just being in their space feels reassuring and protected.
NOTE: It’s important to help your teen find healthy coping mechanisms. It’s also important to check on your kids regularly – some kids are silently struggling with anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues.
8. They Really ARE Being Productive
Try not to jump to conclusions when your teen spends a lot of time in their room. They’re not always goofing off, texting friends, or gaming behind that closed door.
More often than not, they’re actually being productive – studying, doing homework, working on projects, practicing their instrument, preparing for a presentation they have to do in class, working on college applications, or writing a college essay. Try to cut them a little slack, they really DO have a lot on their plate.
If you find yourself concerned about your teen’s “alone time” in their bedroom, here are a few things you can try:
- While respecting their need for space, encourage a healthy balance between alone time and family interaction, outside activities, and time with friends.
- Plan something fun to do or cook their favorite snack or dinner. Avoid forcing their participation. This can backfire and make them angry and more apt to retreat.
- Try talking to your teen when you’re both relaxed (without judgment), to get a better understanding of their perspective and need for alone time. Ask how they’re feeling and if there’s anything on their mind they want to share with you. Make sure they know they can always come to you about ANYTHING.
- If you do suspect that your teen’s behavior is related to excess stress, anxiety, or depression, offer your support and consider seeking help from a mental health professional.
As with most teenage challenges, remember that “this too shall pass.” One day, soon enough, your teen will emerge from their bedroom ready to chat and spend time with the family… just hang on.
Marybeth Bock, MPH, is a Mom to two young adults and one delightful hound dog. She has logged time as a military spouse, childbirth educator, college instructor, and freelance writer. She lives in Arizona and thoroughly enjoys research and writing – as long as iced coffee is involved. Her work can be found on numerous websites and in two books. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram.
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