This Post: Dear Family: I Know You Mean Well, But Stop Giving My Teen Unsolicited Advice

Written By: Marybeth Bock

Maybe this has happened to you…

You’re at a family gathering, and you overhear a passing remark from Grandpa to your teen son that makes you feel uncomfortable: “You should play a sport, it’ll toughen you up,” or “Why do you dress like that? You’d look better if you tried harder.”

Or, maybe you tune into a cavalier comment from an Aunt to your daughter that fires you up: “Are you sure that outfit is appropriate? Back in my day, we would never wear anything like that.” Or, “Isn’t that your second dessert? You better watch out, you’re gonna get fat.” 

It can be a common scenario during the holidays, when (mostly!) well-meaning relatives want to serve up a heap of parenting advice, along with those mashed potatoes.

That’s NOT to say that some advice offered by relatives (especially grandparents) isn’t helpful, valuable, and insightful, because it surely is! This conversation is more about those relatives who… shall we say, cross the line. 

If you’ve dealt with this and the mere thought of an upcoming family gathering gives you anxiety, you’re not alone!

Dear Family: I Know You Mean Well, But Stop Giving My Teen Unsolicited Advice

Nothing is more frustrating than finding yourself on the receiving end of flippant, insensitive, and unwanted comments about your kid or how you could be doing things differently. 

The challenge is that we want our kids to spend time with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, especially during the holidays. Family connections are important. But when those gatherings lead to comments or discussions that make you feel like a bad parent OR make your teen upset, the thought of skipping out for the sake of your (and your teen’s) mental health starts to sound like a pretty good idea.

So, if you’ve ever heard comments about your teenager like, “I’d take their phone away for a month if they spoke to me like that.” Or “Wow, you really don’t care if they leave the house dressed like that?” – there are ways to navigate unsolicited advice with grace, humor, and the confidence that you actually do know what you’re doing.

Here are 10 things to keep in mind, so you don’t lose your mind this holiday season!

1. Start with the Assumption That (Most) Relatives Mean Well

Even when a relative’s advice feels outdated, ridiculous, or completely irrelevant, most advice really does come from a place of love.

Your relatives want to feel helpful and connected to you, and parents who have weathered the storm of their kids’ teen years are often all too eager to share their advice.

Approaching their comments with a “they don’t mean to be insensitive or dictatorial” perspective can keep you calm, centered, and less tempted to snap back angrily or, worse, say something you regret.

2. You CAN Set Boundaries Without Making it Awkward

Chances are, what you really want to say is “mind your own business!” but things don’t have to get heated. Responses to advice about your teen can be warm and direct at the same time. Try one of these graceful shut-down phrases:

“That’s interesting… I’ll think about it.” (Subtext… but probably not.)

“Hmm, that’s an interesting perspective. Thanks for sharing.” (Neutral, brief, and ends the conversation.)

“Thanks, but we’re doing what works for us now.” (Polite, but firm boundary.)

“I’ll keep that in mind. Every teen is different, right?” (Soft shutdown.)

“Thanks. I hear you, but we’re doing things our way.” (Simple and confident.)

“We’ve got a plan in place with her counselor, but I appreciate your concern.” (Calm and unshakable.)

Smiling and keeping your tone light helps. And people are far less likely to push if you sound confident, even if deep down, you feel like you’re stumbling your way through your kid’s teen years. 

3. Limit the Details You Share

Oversharing about your teen’s life is basically giving everyone an open invitation to toss out their worldly, unwanted advice. 

If you casually mention that your teen is behind in math, suddenly you’re swimming in a whirlpool of opinions about tutors, screen time, sleep habits, sugar intake, and the eyerolls of “kids these days.” The less detail you give, the fewer opinions you’ll receive. 

4. Remember: They Grew Up During a Different Time

When your father-in-law starts talking about how “kids just need more outside playtime,” remember that he didn’t grow up with smartphones, group chats, online school portals, science homework that looks like it requires a PhD, or the 24/7 lure of Fortnite.

Many of their parenting experiences simply aren’t relevant to the world your teen is growing up in today. Acknowledging this (kindly, of course) can help. It’s fine to say, “Well… things are a lot different now, so we’re adapting as we go.”

5. Tag-Team with Your Spouse or Partner

When unsolicited advice starts pouring in like free samples at Costco, teamwork is everything. Divide and conquer.

While one of you changes the subject, the other can saunter off to refill drinks. A simple, unified response like, “Thanks, but we’ve already got a plan,” can save you from being subjected to a 15-minute monologue about hormones or why teens’ brains are rotting because of TikTok.

6. Avoid Embarrassing Your Teen

Teenagers get annoyed when they’re discussed like science fair projects. (I mean, can you blame them?) If your teen is nearby, gently stop the conversation: “Let’s talk about this another time.”

Your kid will notice and appreciate that you protected their dignity and privacy, especially if they’re currently struggling with something like their mental health, body image, or a difficult relationship. That matters way more than any advice that a relative offers. 

7. Don’t Let Guilt  or “What Ifs” Consume You

Guilt is powerful, but your intuition is stronger.

You know your teen best! You know what’s happening in your home. You know what your teen is struggling with. You know when to push, when to step back, and when to lovingly say, “This is what’s best for you right now.” Raising teens today is complicated, ever-changing, and often unpredictable. You’re allowed to trust yourself instead of relatives who raised their teen(s) 10 or 20 years ago.

8. Keep Your Sense of Humor

Humor is the best pressure valve when it comes to uncomfortable family conversations. Use it generously.

(And if grandma says something so ridiculous, you’re speechless, you can just add, “And speaking of jokes, did you hear the one about…”) A simple smile and nod are often enough to redirect the conversation before it turns into a heated debate about nose rings and why teenagers only wear hoodies.

9. Make it a Mission to Have Your Teenager’s Back

Give your teen a heads-up if you know Aunt Jessie is going to chime in with her opinions about their decision to take a gap year or if cousin Joe always has something to say about “teenagers today.”

If you need to, establish a code word between you and your teen or a simple hand gesture your teen can use to let you know (from clear across the room) that they’re being interrogated or pounded with a barrage of questions, comments, or advice. Once you hear the code word or they motion to you (with their secret gesture), you can jump in and rescue them. They’ll thank you later!

10. Remember: You’re Doing Better Than You Think

Teenagers are wonderful, complicated, emotional, brilliant, and baffling mini-adults. And you’re guiding your teenager through constant storms with patience, love, and more understanding than you give yourself credit for. 

Unsolicited advice may be loud, persistent, or outdated. But it doesn’t need to define your parenting journey. You know your teen better than anyone else. Just keep learning, adapting, loving, and doing the best you can and giving yourself a little holiday “time-out” – even if it means escaping to the bedroom to take a few deep breaths. 

Marybeth Bock, MPH, is a Mom to two young adults and one delightful hound dog. She has logged time as a military spouse, childbirth educator, college instructor, and freelance writer. She lives in Arizona and thoroughly enjoys research and writing, as long as iced coffee is involved. Her work can be found on numerous websites and in two books. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram.

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