Have your parenting decisions ever been scrutinized or judged by a fellow parent, friend, family member or distant acquaintance? Whether they judge outwardly with a quip remark or behind the scenes with a back-stabbing blow that inevitably finds its way back to us, it’s an awful feeling that has a way of firing up our tempers, questioning our parenting decisions and even eroding our self-confidence as a parent.
As a young mom, I definitely met my fair share of “judgers.” From the time someone anonymously left a large bottle of sunscreen at my back door with a note telling me to “use this” on my daughter, (my daughter has fairly dark Meditteranean skin) to the time a perfect stranger walked up to me and asked why my son was so thin. “Don’t you feed him?”
It turns out, I wasn’t the only parent feeling judged. According to statistics, 90 percent of moms and 85 percent of dads report feeling judged. Almost half feel like their parenting skills are being critiqued nearly all the time.
The good news is, with more than a few years of parenting (and life, in general) under my belt, I’ve learned to toss aside unsolicited advice and judgment and maintain my parental course despite what others think. Still, even now as a parent of teenagers and young adults, the hits occasionally keep coming.
Never before has the parenting community been so divided and opinionated about the manner in which we raise our kids. Everyone feels they have the right to “weigh-in” on everything from how much time our kids spend on their phone and the sports they play to what they wear and which college they choose to attend. Perhaps it’s time we stand up to the “judgers” who feel they have the right to question the way we raise our teenagers.
They say it takes a village to raise kids, but sometimes that village needs to mind their own business.
Here are 8 things parents of teenagers are dog-tired of being judged for.
The Kind of Car Our Kids Drive
“Did you hear his parents just bought him a brand new Toyota truck? Sheesh! It’s nice to have that kind of money.” So what if the kid down the street just got a brand new Honda Fit for his birthday or the other kid down the block is driving a junker because they’re trying to save money for college?
Parents of teenagers are so darn tired of having to explain and defend why they bought their child a new car, a used car, an expensive car or a cheap car. I say we all just smile and say, “Oh, that’s just a temporary car, next year we’re buying him a Ferrari for his birthday.”
What Our Kids Wear
Whether our child decides to wear a Wal-Mart clearance t-shirt, a Vinyard Vines sixty dollar button-down shirt, or the same sweatshirt four days in a row, shouldn’t that be our business? What our kids wear, how much money we choose (or choose not) to fork out on their wardrobe, or what name brands they fancy is a personal choice. Judgers, please stop judging… unless, of course, you want the kids to start judging how you dress.
How Our Kids Spend Their Free Time
Every child is different. Some thrive on being busy every moment with piles of activities, sports, clubs and an after-school job while others need plenty of downtime to re-energize after a long day at school.
It really shouldn’t matter to anyone else if our child spends two hours every afternoon playing video games or if they spend their days after school waiting tables at the local Denny’s restaurant to earn a few dollars for college. As parents, we know what’s best for our kids. The last thing we need (or want) is to defend our decisions about how our child spends their free time.
How Smart (or Not) Our Kids Are
“Yeah… my daughter has a few classes with her and she’s seen some of her grades. Let’s just say she’s not the sharpest tack in the box.” Being a teenager is SO darn difficult and being the parent of a teenager is even more difficult. The last thing any parent needs is having another parent, (or anyone else for that matter), judge us or our kids about our kid’s grades or how smart (or not) they are.
Let’s face it, not every child is a straight “A” student – they all learn differently and for some, learning, particularly in the confines of a traditional classroom, comes with its share of challenges. It’s time to cut each other a little slack. Maybe the judgers haven’t noticed, but we’re all trying our best here.
How Tall or Short or Skinny or Chubby Our Kids Are
Kids come in all sizes and shapes. And, we all know that kids go through phases in their physical appearance, especially during puberty. One year they might have a few extra pounds on them, the next they may have a massive growth spurt and shoot up four inches.
Our kids are in a period of flux and growth both physically and emotionally. During that time they may be on the short side, get pimples, pack on a few extra pounds, be too thin or even become introverted. This is a time in our kids’ lives when they’re self-conscious enough. Let’s give ‘em a break, please.
What College Our Kids Decide to Attend
“They sent BOTH of their sons to expensive private colleges. Whew! Don’t you know they’ll be livin’ in the poor house in a few years when it comes time to pay off all those student loans!” Right around senior year, the buzzin’ begins.
But, any parent who’s been through the whole college process knows… where our child chooses to go to college is by far one of the most difficult family decisions we have to make. Kids and parents alike put forth so much time, effort, and thought into the decision, not to mention the financial considerations that come into play. Every parent I know is dog-tired of being judged about where their child is going to college, why they chose that particular college and mostly, how they plan to pay for it.
When Our Kids Get into Trouble
It’s all too easy to get seriously “judgy” when someone else’s kid gets in trouble. But, beware “judgy” parents. You might just be next. If you think your child isn’t capable of getting caught drinking, smoking pot, skipping class or plagiarizing at school, think again.
Oh, you may not know what’s going on and there’s always the possibility they won’t get caught, but nearly every kid out there is capable of pulling a stupid stunt on occasion. (And, just remember when we were young most of us crossed the line on more than one occasion.) So, you might want to think twice before tossing out a few criticizing comments, unless of course, you’re ready to have the wrath reversed when it’s your kid’s turn.
Who Our Kids Hang Out With
Teenagers have been labeled by whom they hang out with for decades. You’ve got the jocks, geeks, brainiacs, nerds, troublemakers, the popular crowd, and so on. Judging and being judged seems to be part of the unofficial curriculum in middle and high school, at least with our kids.
The sad news is, sometimes that label carries over to parent perceptions. But, as parents, shouldn’t we know that there’s an ebb and flow when it comes to our kids and who they choose to hang with? Quite often who our kids hang out with in middle school changes dramatically when they make the transition into high school. And, even when they’re in high school those friend groups can make a few shifts. A word of advice to every parent, birds of a feather don’t always flock together. Just because our child hung out with a few troublemakers in middle school doesn’t mean they should have to carry that label with them throughout the next four years of high school.
Look, we’re all guilty of it from time to time. Judging how others live their lives and raise their kids just seems to be part of human nature – we’re hard-wired that way. But, before we speak, before we judge or criticize someone, we need to repeat the mantra, “Just like me.” We’re all far more alike than we are different.
As opposed to seeking the negative, look for the positive, give people the benefit of the doubt, and most importantly, show a little compassion. We’re all in this parenting thing together. We need to support one another and have each other’s back.
Judging doesn’t define who they are, it defines who you are.