This Post: Dear Mom and Dad, Here’s the REAL Reason I’m Mean to You Sometimes

Written By: Nancy Reynolds

If your teenager has ever snapped at you over something completely insignificant, answered a perfectly benign question with a heaping dose of attitude, or looked at you like you just ruined their entire life because you asked them to put their dirty dish in the dishwasher, you probably found yourself wondering, “What in the world is happening to my child?”

One minute they’re hanging out with you in the kitchen, telling you something funny that happened in school, and the next they’re flying off the handle because you asked them too many questions (Ahem… only two questions were asked). It can be confusing, and if we’re being honest, it can hurt… a lot. It’s hard not to take their attitude personally, isn’t it? After all, we’re human; we’re not bulletproof!

What’s particularly difficult is watching our once agreeable, sweet child suddenly become short-tempered, snarky, and sometimes downright mean.

But here’s the thing, parents: Although we can’t dismiss their disrespectful behavior, what we can do is try to understand that, more often than not, a whole lot is going on beneath the surface that our teens sometimes don’t know how to explain… so it comes out in their behavior.

Having had hundreds of open conversations with teens in the last decade, if they could tell us what they’re feeling… here’s what they’d say. 

Dear Mom and Dad, Here’s the Real Reason I’m Mean to You Sometimes

Sometimes I’m Dealing With A Lot More Than You Realize

Sometimes I’m mean to you because I’m carrying around a bunch of thoughts and feelings I don’t know what to do with yet.

Maybe I had a horrible day at school. Maybe I bombed a test I studied hard for. Maybe I had a blowout with a friend, I’m worried about something I haven’t told you about, or I got left out of plans with friends. And sometimes, I’m just exhausted, overwhelmed, or I don’t even know exactly what’s wrong; I’m just frustrated with the world. So when you ask me a question like, “How was your day?” or you ask me to do something, “Hey, can you clean your room… it’s a mess?” it feels like one more thing I have to deal with, and I just don’t have it in me. When life goes sideways, you’re the easiest person to take my frustrations out on.

I’m Still Learning How to Express My Feelings

You see my size 11 shoes by the front door and my size large hoodie lying on my bed, and you think I’m all grown up, but I have a lot to learn. 

Sometimes I have a feeling that’s so big, I don’t even know how to label it. I might stomp around the house angry and yell at you or slam my bedroom door, long before I realize that I’m hurting, embarrassed, disappointed, overwhelmed, anxious, or just exhausted. I guess I just don’t have the emotional vocabulary yet, so it all just spills out onto the people I love.

I know I don’t always handle it the right way, but I hope you remember that I’m not trying to be difficult; I’m still figuring out how to deal with feelings that sometimes feel bigger than me.

I’m Fighting For More Control

Sometimes I push back on you because I feel like I don’t have much control in my life, and I’m always being told what to do next. 

My teachers are telling me what tests to study for, my coach is telling me I need to practice more, my boss is telling me I need to work more hours, and then I come home, and you tell me I need to clean my room, do my chores, work on college applications, or help Dad clean the garage on Saturday.  Sometimes, I just want everyone to leave me alone.

So I argue about the little things, get frustrated when you tell me what to do, and respond with a nasty tone. I’m not always trying to fight with you, and I don’t mean to be disrespectful – I think I’m just trying to feel more in control of my own life.

You’re My Dumping Ground

When life gets heavy, and I can’t handle it, I just dump it ALL into your lap, and that usually means it comes with a whole lot of attitude, arguing, blaming you, and meanness for no reason.

The pressure of being a teenager, school, college, my future sometimes feels so suffocating. When it all piles up (even if I just feel like it’s piling up), I toss it all on you because I know you’ll help me carry it. I might complain, snap at you, shut down, or act like everything is your fault (when we both know it isn’t). I guess I’m just overwhelmed and don’t know where else to put all my stress. 

Sometimes You’re Just a Convenient Target

We have to remember, parents, that there’s usually (not always, of course) an untold story beneath the surface of our teen’s behavior.

Does that make their behavior okay?

Absolutely not.

Does that make it easier to understand and respond to?

Yes. (Well… hopefully.)

Behind the eye roll may be a kid who had a terrible day. Behind the slammed bedroom door may be a kid who doesn’t know how to say, “I’m overwhelmed.” Behind the attitude may be a teenager who is desperately trying to hold it together.

That doesn’t mean we tolerate everything.

It means we look a little deeper.

Of course, our teenagers still need boundaries. They still need accountability. They still need to learn that having big feelings doesn’t give them permission to treat us or others poorly. But they also need to know that one bad moment won’t change your relationship or make you love them any less.

Because someday, they’ll be older. They’ll have better words to describe what they couldn’t explain when they were sixteen. They may even look back and realize that some of the times they pushed you away were the very times they needed you most. And when they do, I hope they remember that you didn’t let them walk all over you. You didn’t excuse their behavior. And you held the line when you needed to.

But mostly… you also never made them wonder whether they were still loved.