This Post: 12 Ways We Sometimes Miss the Mark When Talking to Our Teens

Written By: Nancy Reynolds

After having hundreds of conversations with parents, the consensus seems to be this: One of the hardest parts of parenting teenagers isn’t necessarily knowing what to say. It’s knowing when to say it, how to say it, and, perhaps hardest of all, when to say absolutely nothing.

Because let’s be honest, sometimes, talking with our teenagers is an exercise in timing, restraint, and sheer parental luck…One minute they’re sitting on the kitchen counter at 10 p.m. spilling out every little detail about their day like we’re their bestie, and the next, we’ve  offended them, annoyed them, or quite literally ticked them off because we asked a completely benign question like, “Hey, how’d school go today?” (Enter moods.)

But here’s what I’ve learned raising three teenagers:

Underneath the attitude, snarky comebacks, slammed doors, one-word answers, and “Geeez, Okaaaay. I knooow Mom!” are teenagers who still need us. They need us on their good days, their bad days, and every day in between. They need to know they can come to us when they’re confused, overwhelmed, embarrassed, heartbroken, scared, excited, or simply trying to figure out themselves and life. 

That’s why the way we communicate with our teens matters so much. Because when the stakes get higher and the problems get bigger, our kids need to know exactly where to turn.

12 Ways We Sometimes Miss the Mark When Talking to Our Teens

My guess is, nearly every parent has made a few (if not all) of these mistakes when talking with their teens. (Guilty!) They’re things we do without realizing–mainly because we’re sincerely trying to help.

But guess what? Most often, they’re not helping. In fact, they might be putting added (and unnecessary) strain on your relationship. 

Here are 12 ways we sometimes miss the mark when talking to our teens:

1. Turning Every Conversation into a Lesson

I’ve been SO guilty of this! Maybe you can relate, parents! It’s just that I have decades of life experience, and it just makes sense that I’d want to share it–to educate my kids, enlighten them, or prevent them from making the same mistakes I did growing up. But sometimes, our teens want us to just listen… not teach. 

When they walk in the door after school and say, “My friend was acting like such a jerk today!” It’s tempting to jump in with a boatload of questions, our perspective, advice, or wisdom about what we would do. And sometimes they DO need our advice. But quite often, what they’re looking for is a safe place to unload without immediately being told what they should do next. Instead, ask a question. Listen. Validate their feelings and back off a bit. You might be surprised how often your teen already knows what to do. 

2. Starting a Sentence with “You Need To…”

“You need to study for your math test tomorrow.”

“You need to put your phone down.”

“You need to stop worrying about what everyone thinks.” 

We have all good intentions (and we’re probably right), but when our teens hear “you need to,” it can come off as criticism before we’ve finished our sentence. The problem isn’t necessarily the advice; it’s that teens are fiercely protective of their independence, so when our words sound like we’re telling them what to do, they’re likely to shift into defense mode instead of hearing what we’re saying.

3. Trying to Fix a Problem Too Quickly

We’re the fixers. We always have been. And boy, oh boy, old habits sure are hard to break, aren’t they? When we see our kids hurting or struggling, our instinct is to make it disappear, right?

But here’s the thing: When we say, “Here’s exactly what you should do,” it can shut our teen down, especially when they aren’t looking for or ready for a solution. Listen first. Ask if they want advice. And then jump in to help if they do. 

4. Shooting Off Rapid-Fire Questions

“How was practice? What happened with Jake? Did you talk to your teacher about your test grade?” can feel like a full-blown interrogation.

Give your teen a little time and space. Try one question and let that settle. And don’t underestimate the power of talking while you’re doing something else together. Teens are notorious for opening up when you’re in the car, walking the dog together, or hanging out in the kitchen doing something side by side instead of making direct eye contact. 

5. Minimizing What Feels Big to Them

“Don’t worry… you’ll get over it.” 

“It’s just one bad grade.”

“You’ll find other friends.”

“It’s not that big of a deal.”

What seems minor to us might be the heaviest thing they’ve dealt with all week. Remember: we don’t have to understand the intensity of their feelings to validate them. Avoid brushing off their feelings and say something like this instead: “Wow, I can see why you’re upset,” or “That must be really hard.” 

6. Using Their Honesty  Against Them Later

Your teen walks in the door on a Friday night and sheepishly shares with you (hoping you won’t freak out) that kids were drinking and some were smoking weed. You’ve always told them, “You can come to me no matter what,” and you’re grateful they did. But two weeks later, when they ask to go to a party, you bring it all up again and accuse them of hanging with the wrong friends and how you really can’t trust them. 

If your teen comes to you and shares something embarrassing, painful, personal, or something about their life, treat that information with care, parents. If you want them to keep coming back, they need to know they can share anything with you. (Not that there couldn’t or shouldn’t be consequences when it warrants it.) 

7. Interrupting Before They Finish

We’ve all been there, haven’t we? We’re ready to spout out our response before our teen has even finished talking. We hear the first sentence, and we think we know where the conversation is going, so what do we do? We cut them off mid-sentence and immediately jump in with a lecture, advice, anger, or our worldly wisdom.

But teenagers sometimes need to stumble through their thoughts before they arrive at what they’re actually trying to say. Let them finish.

8. Making Every Conversation About Consequences

Here’s the thing, parents: If every mistake immediately becomes a lecture, punishment, or loss of privileges, your teen may stop coming to you when something goes wrong.

Consequences have an important place in our parenting. So does accountability. But your teenager needs to know that coming to you with a problem won’t automatically make the problem bigger. Sometimes the first response can simply be, “Thank you for telling me.”

9. Talking When They’re Too Emotionally Charged to Listen

Maybe your teen is overwhelmed, hungry (hangry), exhausted from a long day of being “on,” or simply not in the mindset to hash something out with you. So, what happens? A full-blown argument ensues. 

There is nothing wrong with saying, “We’re both too frustrated right now. Let’s talk about this later.” Walking away isn’t avoiding the issue; it’s what makes having a productive conversation possible. 

10. Taking Their Tone Personally

I get it… our teen’s eye rolls, heavy sighs, and snarky comebacks can sometimes set us off and end up in a battle over their tone. 

But if you walk away with ANY piece of advice, it’s this: Not every eye roll needs a reaction. Not every sigh needs a correction. Not every tone needs a battle. Choose your moments wisely—and save your energy for what really matters.

11. Talking AT Them Instead of WITH  Them

Our teens are far more likely to open up to us if they feel the conversation is two-sided rather than them sitting through a speech. Treat them like the adult they’re becoming, not the child they’re leaving behind. 

Remember, there is a big difference between saying, “Here’s what I want you to do,” and saying, “Here’s what I’m thinking. What do you think?”

12. Making EVERY Conversation About What They Need to Do

If every conversation is about homework, grades, chores, screens, curfews, their attitude, or what they did wrong, eventually, your teen may stop hearing the warmth in your words because they’re bracing for the next instruction. Don’t let life get in the way of simply ENJOYING your teen. 

Ask  them:

“Want to go grab a coffee?”

“Look at this hilarious TikTok video.”

“Want to grab a burger at that place you love?”

Here’s the biggest thing to remember: 

You’re not perfect… you’re going to lecture when you probably shouldn’t. You’re going to interrupt. You’re going to overreact. You’re going to offer advice when they really need you to listen. 

You’re human! And your fierce desire to protect and teach them to “adult” is powerful! 

So, try not to be too hard on yourself. What matters more is that your teenager knows that behind all the reminders, questions, boundaries, and occasional parental missteps, you are still their safe place. Because someday, when life gets complicated—and it will—they may not remember every piece of advice you gave them. But they will remember whether they felt like they could come home and talk to you.