This Post: For Every Mom Who Doesn’t Have a Village… I See You
Written By: An Anonymous Mom Who Understands
Some moms are blessed to have a wonderful and supportive village of family, close friends, and neighbors.
And then, other moms look around and realize there isn’t really anyone coming to help them. So, they have no choice but to wipe away their tears, take a deep breath, figure it out themselves, and just keep going…
In fact, they are their own village–the ones who carry the load alone.
For Every Mom Who Doesn’t Have a Village… I See You
Whether you’re actually alone or just feel alone, truly doesn’t matter; that deep feeling of “aloneness” is very real. Because the hardest part isn’t doing everything yourself–it’s knowing that there’s no one you can turn to when life gets too heavy, and you need someone to carry a little of it for you.
It’s realizing that when life pushes you to the breaking point, no one is going to show up at your door or call to check in, asking, “Please, tell me… what can I do?”
And when you don’t have someone you can lean on, when you’re the one who has to be strong when everything in your heart, mind, and body is feeling weak, when you’re the one managing the kids, the schedules, the house, and life without the physical and mental break you desperately need, motherhood can feel incredibly lonely and incredibly exhausting.
If this is you, Mom, I want you to know something…
I see you.
I don’t see the polished, “I have it together” version of motherhood you put out on social media. I see the real you.
The mom who wishes someone would take care of her for a change.
The mom who shows up at the after-school carpool line and sees other moms together talking, sharing, and laughing.
The mom who wishes she could be part of that and have the same camaraderie and support — even if it is slightly superficial.
The mom who sometimes sits in her car for five extra minutes because she needs a moment before walking back into the house.
The mom who has gotten very good at saying, “I’m fine,” because explaining that she’s not fine feels like one more thing she has to do.
I know how lonely that can feel.
And maybe your lack of support looks different from someone else’s.
Maybe you’re the mom whose husband or partners helps very little, so you’re the one responsible for nearly everything.
Maybe you’re a single mom who is genuinely carrying the load by yourself, and there isn’t another adult standing by waiting in the wings ready to take over when you’ve had enough.
Maybe your parents are older, live hours away or even across the country, and you’d give anything to have your mom drop by and say, “Sit down and put your feet up… I’ll make dinner for the family.”
Maybe you don’t have any siblings, or you do, and they don’t live nearby. Oh, what you’d give to have your sister simply show up at your door and say, “Hey, let’s get out of the house and grab a latte.”
Maybe you have plenty of friends but still don’t feel emotionally supported. Sure, they’re ladies you can have coffee with, but they’re not the kind of deep friendships where you can call on them when you’re falling apart.
Maybe you’re the mom everyone calls when they need something. You’re the dependable one, the strong one, the one who always knows what to do. And somewhere along the way, everyone forgot to ask who takes care of you.
Or maybe you’re parenting a teenager through something difficult, and you feel completely alone because no one around you really understands what you’re going through.
And through it all, there’s you… the mom who looks like she has it all together. You’re functioning. You’re working. You’re showing up for your kids day in and day out. You’re making dinners and appointments and getting everyone where they need to go. But underneath it all, you’re exhausted.
If you see any of yourself in this, please hear me: Needing support doesn’t mean you’re weak, Mama. It means you’re human.
You were never meant to carry everything alone, and you don’t have to pretend that you can.
As a mother who understands what you’re going through, here’s my humble and heartfelt advice:
Ask for help when you can. Accept it when it’s offered. Tell someone you trust when you’re struggling. Let the laundry wait. Let dinner be cereal. Let yourself have a crummy day without turning it into a verdict on what kind of mother you are.
You are doing such hard things.
You’re carrying a heavy load no one else sees.
You’re loving and caring for your kids through complicated and busy seasons of their lives.
You’re making hundreds of decisions the rest of the world doesn’t see.
And even on the days when you feel like you’re barely holding everything together, your kids are still experiencing the greatest gift you can give them: a mom who keeps showing up and loving them.
As for your village? Here’s what I’ve learned…
Sometimes, you have to build it.
I know how uncomfortable that can be, especially when you’re already lonely. But don’t wait for someone else to notice that you need a friend.
1. Be Brave Enough to Make the First Move
I remember watching an interview recently with Jane Fonda, Sally Field, and Lily Tomlin (Here’s the link if you want to watch it!) where Jane Fonda shared some of the best advice about making friends when you’re older. “You have to pursue people that you want to be friends with, and you have to say, ‘I am intentionally wanting to be your friend, and it works! People hear that, and then they stick around, and you develop new friendships.”
She’s right… You HAVE to be intentional.
So, Mamas, invite the mom you always chat with at your kids’ game to grab a coffee. Sit next to someone new at the school event. Text that mom you’d like to get to know and ask her to grab lunch. Ask your neighbor if she’d like to go for a walk. Join the book club, the garden club, the workout class, the church group, or volunteer–whatever puts you in the same room with other ladies like yourself.
2. Don’t Underestimate the Power of Showing Up Repeatedly
Friendships aren’t usually built in one magical conversation. They’re built over time in the ordinary moments that happen over and over again: “Want to take a walk again tomorrow? Need anything from the grocery store? How did that appointment go with your doctor? Come sit with me! I want to hear about your vacation!”
That’s how acquaintances slowly turn into friendships. Don’t be afraid to answer questions honestly, too. When someone asks, “How are you?” rather than saying your usual, “I’m fine.” Tell her you’re tired. Tell her parenting has been hard lately. Tell her you’re having a rough week. Which leads me to my next piece of advice…
3. Allow Someone to Know the Real You–It’s Okay to Be Vulnerable
Because here’s something I’ve learned: you can’t build a deep friendship while constantly protecting yourself from being vulnerable.
I know you don’t want to let your guard down. I know you have a fear of being judged or misunderstood. But everyone is going through something. It might not mirror exactly what you’re going through, but trust me, their life isn’t perfect. And when you share your heart, there’s a good chance they’ll feel comfortable enough to start sharing theirs, and that’s where mutual trust, connection, and friendship blossom.
4. Keep Trying
Don’t be discouraged if the first person you reach out to isn’t your person. Or the second. Some friendships will remain casual. Some will fade. Some will surprise you. Keep putting yourself out there.
Look for the woman who makes you feel lighter after you’ve been together. The one who doesn’t keep score. The one who checks in when she knows you’re having a hard week. The one who can laugh with you, cry with you, sit in comfortable silence with you, and never make you feel like you have to have it all together. That’s your kind of person.
And when you find her, don’t be afraid to say, “I’m really glad I found you.” Because sometimes, a village is something two lonely women create for each other. You don’t need ten friends, five friends, or even three friends. Even one close friend can be all your heart needs–someone who will show up when life gets hard and who knows you’ll show up for them, too.
5. You’re Not Alone, Mama
So if you’re sitting in your car in the pickup line watching other moms laugh together and wondering why you don’t have that, please don’t assume you’re the only one feeling that way. There may be another mom sitting three cars back who’s looking around and wishing for exactly what you are wishing for.
Maybe she just needs someone to make the first move.
So, to the mom who feels like she doesn’t have a village: I wish I could sit beside you for a little while and tell you this: Your village may not be waiting somewhere for you to find it. Maybe you’re simply waiting for the courage to begin building it. Sometimes finding your people begins with the simplest, bravest thing you can do…letting someone know you need them.
If you enjoyed reading “For Every Mom Who Doesn’t Have a Village… I See You,” here are a few other posts you might enjoy!
After Raising Three Teenagers, Here’s What I Wish I’d Worried Less About
Raising Teenagers Will Push You to Your Limits: 12 Things Strong Parents Do to Get Through It